The sad, growing fraternity of steroid users publicly shamed for their transgressions is no longer limited to star athletes. A report released by The Daily Planet, reveals that Superman tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2004, and goes on to suggest that even more serious substances may have been used as late as 2006. The testing was ordered by the Hall of Justice to determine if a drug policy was necessary for super heroes. It’s results were intended to remain sealed and confidential, but that went out the window when federal investigators seized the documents while investigating the BALCO case.
Experts agree that this scandal could send shock waves through the industry. In an attempt to set the record straight, Superman agreed to sit down and talk with this reporter, one-on-one. Below is the transcript of our conversation.
ME: Superman, it is being reported that you tested positive for several performance-enhancing drugs, as well as synthetic compounds that have yet to be identified. What is the truth?
SUPERMAN: When I arrived at the Hall of Justice, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like the weight of the world was on me, you know? And I needed to perform at a high level. I wanted to prove to people that I was one of the greatest super heroes of all time. But it was a different culture back then. We were naive back then.
ME: It was only five years ago.
SUPERMAN: Seems longer.
ME: What substances did you take?
SUPERMAN: Everything. Twice. Then doubled the dosage. I have a really funky metabolism. I never know if anything will work or for how long.
ME: Are you still using?
SUPERMAN: Um, no. This was back then, when I was naive. And under a lot of pressure.
ME: In his tell-all book, the Thing claims that he first introduced you to HGH – Human Growth Hormone – in 2001.
SUPERMAN: That’s a crock of shit. First of all, I barely even know the Thing. I’ve bumped into him at a few mixers, but it’s not like I’m going to take pharmaceuticals from the guy, for fucks sake. Yeah, I’d be like, ‘Hey Ben, got anything that can make me look like a walking mountain in boxer shorts? Great! Here, shoot it into my ass! Besides, HGH is HUMAN growth hormone – here’s a news flash Einstein, I ain’t human! (shaking his head) Be real!
ME: Okay, then who did introduce you to these substances?
SUPERMAN: Banner. Dr. Bruce Banner. Don’t look surprised. Everyone knows the Hulk is using. I mean c’mon, the story about Gamma Rays? Are you shitting me? Look at him! He’s the product of severe, chronic ‘roid rage. His testicles are the size of pine nuts. But I’m the one named in the report. Whatever.
ME: You sound bitter.
SUPERMAN: There’s also a double-standard with female super heroes. They aren’t held to the same scrutiny. Wonder Woman gets three boob jobs and no one says anything. You’re going to tell me she’s not enhanced?
ME: Is steroid use rampant?
SUPERMAN: Define rampant.
ME: Are a lot of heroes using?
SUPERMAN: How much is a lot?
REPORTER’S NOTE: The questions continued in this vein for a short while before I decided I had enough and stopped re-phrasing the question.
ME: So is that it then? Even our heroes are liars and cheats?
SUPERMAN: Hate to break it to ya kid, but the tooth fairy and Santa Claus are bullshit too.
ME: You’re a mean bastard when you drink, Superman.