Those Silly Folks at MSNBC

Everyone loves a good puppet show!

Failed Beer Run

Here he is…The Drunkest Guy in the World (he’s more likely deep in the throws of an ether binge, but he clearly has BEER on his remaining mind).

American Idol Shocker!

(Hollywood, CA) Following closely on the heels of reports that Paula Abdul was being replaced by Ellen Degeneres on American Idol, FOX Television announced today that Peter Griffin will now replace Ellen Degeneres.  And word is he’ll do the show naked.

“It makes much more sense from a synergistic point of view,” said a FOX spokesperson. “Neither knows anything about music, but at least we can promote Family Guy during the show. “

Aerosmith Spontaneously Burst Into Dust On Stage

(via wire reports)

In the middle of performing Sweet Emotion at the West Wyoming’s Cattle Drive and Rock Fest, the entire band of Aerosmith spontaneously burst into dust. Their instruments tumbled to the stage in a cacophony of feedback, before roadies rushed in with several industrial sized pans and brushes.

“At first I thought it was part of the show,” explained one audience member. “But it seemed like an odd time for the effect, what with Steven Tyler in the middle of a back kick.”

“I guess they were a bit older than we thought,” observed another.

One for the ladies…

Last century (1999) we had a website on Freeservers where we posted some of our material. I was stunned to discover it is still up and running.  So here’s a blast from the past…

manufacturer of health and beauty aides
presents…

---

“The #1 consumer
product of 1999″
- Feminism Weekly

---

The RITCO
VIBRA-TRON MAX
5000

Product Engineer, Chet Uncus shows how easy it is
to change batteries on the VIBRA-TRON MAX

Ladies, let’s be honest,
Who needs a man?
-
Certainly no woman who owns the VIBRA-TRON  MAX 5000!!!

Powered by a
hummin’ Cummins Diesel 600

Featuring 2050 lbs of torque @ 1200 rpm,
you can count on power to spare!

Stop by a RITCO direct dealer for
an in-store demonstration!

“I’m Fat and Nobody Likes Me” by JankstarrK

Christian Bale’s last day as a Floor Director in television…

Outtakes from a Winnebago sales tape

Everything’s Amazing…Nobody’s Happy

Superman Admits Steroid Use

The sad, growing fraternity of steroid users publicly shamed for their transgressions is no longer limited to star athletes. A report released by The Daily Planet, reveals that Superman tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2004, and goes on to suggest that even more serious substances may have been used as late as 2006. The testing was ordered by the Hall of Justice to determine if a drug policy was necessary for super heroes. It’s results were intended to remain sealed and confidential, but that went out the window when federal investigators seized the documents while investigating the BALCO case.

Experts agree that this scandal could send shock waves through the industry. In an attempt to set the record straight, Superman agreed to sit down and talk with this reporter, one-on-one. Below is the transcript of our conversation.

ME: Superman, it is being reported that you tested positive for several performance-enhancing drugs, as well as synthetic compounds that have yet to be identified. What is the truth?

SUPERMAN: When I arrived at the Hall of Justice, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like the weight of the world was on me, you know? And I needed to perform at a high level. I wanted to prove to people that I was one of the greatest super heroes of all time. But it was a different culture back then. We were naive back then.

ME: It was only five years ago.

SUPERMAN: Seems longer.

ME: What substances did you take?

SUPERMAN: Everything. Twice. Then doubled the dosage. I have a really funky metabolism. I never know if anything will work or for how long.

ME: Are you still using?

SUPERMAN: Um, no. This was back then, when I was naive. And under a lot of pressure.

ME: In his tell-all book, the Thing claims that he first introduced you to HGH – Human Growth Hormone – in 2001.

SUPERMAN: That’s a crock of shit. First of all, I barely even know the Thing. I’ve bumped into him at a few mixers, but it’s not like I’m going to take pharmaceuticals from the guy, for fucks sake. Yeah, I’d be like, ‘Hey Ben, got anything that can make me look like a walking mountain in boxer shorts? Great! Here, shoot it into my ass! Besides, HGH is HUMAN growth hormone – here’s a news flash Einstein, I ain’t human! (shaking his head) Be real!

ME: Okay, then who did introduce you to these substances?

SUPERMAN: Banner. Dr. Bruce Banner. Don’t look surprised. Everyone knows the Hulk is using. I mean c’mon, the story about Gamma Rays? Are you shitting me? Look at him! He’s the product of severe, chronic ‘roid rage. His testicles are the size of pine nuts. But I’m the one named in the report. Whatever.

ME: You sound bitter.

SUPERMAN: There’s also a double-standard with female super heroes. They aren’t held to the same scrutiny. Wonder Woman gets three boob jobs and no one says anything. You’re going to tell me she’s not enhanced?

Ben Grimm (aka The Thing) claims he introduced Superman to steroids.

ME: Is steroid use rampant?

SUPERMAN: Define rampant.

ME: Are a lot of heroes using?

SUPERMAN: How much is a lot?

REPORTER’S NOTE: The questions continued in this vein for a short while before I decided I had enough and stopped re-phrasing the question.

ME: So is that it then? Even our heroes are liars and cheats?

SUPERMAN: Hate to break it to ya kid, but the tooth fairy and Santa Claus are bullshit too.

ME: You’re a mean bastard when you drink, Superman.